Saturday, July 11, 2015

What is my worth?

This is my favorite picture of Christ, Simon
Dewey's: Abide With Me. It feels like he is
looking right into my soul, but his arms are
still open, waiting to embrace me.
I've been doing a lot of praying and soul-searching lately. I've come to realize that I have issues of faith, although not issues with the Lord, Heavenly Father, the Gospel, or anything else church-related. I have issues with me.

Over the years of my adulthood, with a lot of help from family, friends, therapists, my dear sweet husband, and so many others, I've gained a lot of self-confidence back that I lost as a child. It hasn't been an easy task.

Although I've now been an adult longer than I've been a child, I realize how much our childhood affects our adulthood. When others say that our years as children and young adults are impressionable, I have found that it's more true than most of us realize. After being told for most of my childhood and youth by several of my peers that I was worthless (not in so many words, but actions and intent), I grew up believing it. It's harder to re-learn how we think about ourselves once we become adults. The negative thoughts and beliefs become so ingrained in us that it becomes who we are, no longer just thoughts.

I do believe now that I have some worth, and my current work at the LDS Employment Center helps every day. It really does do so much more for us when we serve others than when we do things for ourselves. However, as I struggle to look for work (because my time at the Employment Center is temporary), I find myself asking the same questions I asked as a youth. "If I'm so good, why don't they want me?" "Is there something about me that keeps people from wanting me (to work for them, to be their friend, etc.)?" I'm constantly told that I'm friendly, nice, dependable, efficient, capable, etc. So then, my question is "Why?"

I've been told so many times that the Lord has something in store for me, a great job meant just for me. When I hear that, I try to believe it, but I can't. This is what I've come to realize. It's not that I don't believe the Lord could help me, but that I don't think that I deserve it. Why not, you ask? The answer is that I don't know. I have been so confused about my worth for such a long time. I never could understand why I was picked on by many of my peers, but told by others what a great person I was. I am a practical, logical person (for the most part) and nothing about it has made sense to me. That's where my emotions have taken over and the emotional logic in my head now says that it must be that there is something wrong with me that I can't see that no one will tell me about.

I am a good person. I'm loving and kind, nice, loyal, dependable, organized, a great worker, a hard worker; but as I say these things, that inner voice starts listing all of my faults and saying that it's not enough to be these good things. I know I've come a long way, because when I graduated from high school, I couldn't even say these things about myself, let alone believe it if I did say it. After all of these years, even with all of the help I've been given, I can't seem to change the thought that I'm not good enough.

I continue to try. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, as do so many others in my life. My goal now is to try to learn how to have faith in myself. If I seem to be negative or complain sometimes, it's usually because I'm tired of the fight in my own head and the negative thoughts take over. However, I am still trying. Please be patient with me. All of you who love and support me, thank you. Please continue to do so.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Prayer Circle: Facebook Page

I don't know about anyone else, but I've gotten tired of going on Facebook and asking for prayers in difficult times and having comments made about not sharing my troubles on FB, or seeing the same on others' posts.
I received some inspiration today while viewing a meme that said something similar to, "I don't do my laundry at your house, don't air your dirty laundry on my page." I also saw another post that said, "What better use of Facebook than to pray for each other? Share if you agree."
I went online to see if there was a website that offered people of any faith the opportunity to ask for prayers safely, without discrimination, but had a tough time finding anything. There might be something out there, but if so, it's not easy to find.
That cinched it. I wanted to offer people the chance to post their requests for prayers in a safe, non-denominational, non-discriminatory place, and others could reply and offer their prayers. So what did I do? I started a Facebook page: The Prayer Circle, https://www.facebook.com/yourprayershelp.

Please take the time to share my page with all of your friends and family. Let them know that there is somewhere that they can go to ask for spiritual help when times are tough. Whether you believe in God, Allah, Elohim, Bhagavan, or any other deity, you are welcome to ask for help from anyone who views my page.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Another "Proud of myself" moment

I want to share another moment with you in my recovery to what I call "Normal Thinking." (I know there's no such thing as normal, but it's how I see it.)

This afternoon, I was in a Leadership Training meeting at the D.I. The topic that was being discussed was Counsels and one of the points that was brought up was that we need to build trusting relationships with our teams. I felt compelled to speak out about a subject that I would normally never share with people who are not close to me. I will paraphrase it for you.

I have social anxiety. Many of you know about it. I HATE social situations. Along with the anxiety, I also get paranoia. That paranoia comes usually in the form of being sure that people are judging what I do and say. I feel that speaking out in public, if I haven't had time to prepare what I'm going to say, will result in people thinking that I am stupid, or that I say stupid things. I tend to sit in meetings and classes and not speak out. On the flip side, though, I also try not to let people know how I'm feeling so I try to be outgoing and friendly to people. It's tough to balance sometimes. Usually one or the other wins out, but I rarely let people see the real me in public or social situations. When I do speak out, it's usually only when I feel that what I have to say is "safe" from judgement.

As a result of my anxiety, church has not been a pleasant place for me since childhood. I won't discuss why I developed my anxiety at church, as the reasons don't really matter to anyone but myself. I always believed in the Church, but as time went on, and my anxiety increased, I became inactive. Church was supposed to be about feeling peace, but I never did. I have now found a Ward, however, that has helped me to change that. I finally found a Ward that I call my family. Instead of sitting quietly in the back of the meetings, I actually speak out in Sunday School and join in the discussions. I still feel very uncomfortable about going to Relief Society, but for now that isn't an issue because I'm working in the Library during that hour. Maybe someday that will change.

 As I was relating this story, the Job Coach who was giving the class, asked me how my current Ward built that trust. My answer: they never pestered me about not going to church, but still made me feel welcome. Instead of asking why I wasn't there and making me feel more uncomfortable, they asked if I was okay. They made me feel like they cared about how I was feeling, not just pointing out that I wasn't there.

The point to my story was that we need to build trust with others by letting them know that we care about them. Trust is very important part of our world. It opens so many doors. We never really know how much we are helping or hurting others by the way that we treat them. Building trust with others can open doors for ourselves, but sometimes also for others.

By the end of my story, I was in full-blown panic mode. I was shaking like crazy, I was dehydrated, practically hyperventilating, and ready to cry. I wanted to run out of that room so fast. I was fighting back the words in my head that were saying that I was stupid to share that with others, that they would judge me now that they know I'm so flawed. I felt so sick, so panicked, so scared, but I didn't leave. I still have those words in the back of my head as I write this, but I am proud of myself for taking such a risk, and I'm proud that I am sharing this with you now. I think that I will have to fight this for the rest of my life, but perhaps one day I will be able to squash those words as soon as they come to my mind. Thank you for listening to me.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Thanks, Mom & Dad Tyler

I want to put out a Thank You to Mom & Dad Tyler. They have done so much for us over the years & I hope they know how much we really appreciate them. The latest: mom gave me a tablet she has had laying in a drawer at home. It might not seem like much to some, but it has reconnected me to my life (see previous blog: Smartphone Withdrawal). Mom & dad are such generous people (I won't embarrass them by naming other ways they've helped) & I want everyone to know it. We love you, mom & dad!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

D.I. partnership interview tomorrow

Yesterday I was asked if I would be interested in a temporary partnership with an accounting firm in Smithfield. The job would basically be a Receptionist job. For those of you who don't know, the D.I. helps employees get experience through what they call partnerships: Employers call the D.I. and say that they need help with a certain job (sometimes it can lead to permanent employment, mostly not) and the D.I. recommends employees who need experience with said jobs. 

If I were to get this partnership, I would still officially be working for the D.I., but working at this accounting firm. It's a part-time job that would only last until the end of tax season, but would give me the official experience that I've not had. It would certainly look a lot better on my resume since the only job I've had that was similar was titled Customer Service Rep. All the other office-related jobs have been telephone or data entry jobs, or non-related with some experience using office skills.

Here comes the kicker: I have to interview for it tomorrow, and the other employee the D.I. recommended has been going to school in accounting! Talk about pressure! I know that I have a little bit of an edge because I have some experience and will be training in this area of work (i.e. Receptionist/Office Worker), but he has the edge because of his knowledge and training in accounting. Truth be told, I'm getting more and more nervous.

I know that I don't really have to be that nervous. I'm still working at the D.I., they're still going to help me get schooling in Office Administration Support, and my future doesn't hang on this job. However, I can't stop the anxiety. Right now, I wish I had some Kava Kava, lol.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Smartphone withdrawal

Now that it's gone, I am finding out just how much I used my smartphone. I'm going through withdrawal. So much of my nervous energy has returned. I can't seem to find enough things to do with my hands. I'm already tired of watching Netflix, reading, and crocheting. What did I used to do with my time to keep myself occupied?

I'm realizing how much my smartphone satisfied my OCD: everything is organized, easy to access, and can be found in a small little electronic device. I could read from my smartphone, look up phone numbers, watch videos, play games, make notes/reminders, have an alarm for anything I needed to remember (and my memory can be so bad that I had a lot of alarms, not just for waking up), keep track of my bills and finances, & so much more. I've started having more anxiety when I need to check my calendar, or use a calculator, or look up information of any kind, etc.

I've been a tech-enthusiast for awhile now. I wouldn't say a tech junkie, as I'm not obsessed with technology, but I have loved the convenience, simplicity, and efficiency of technology for a long time. I even used to have a PDA because of how convenient and efficient it was. Don't get me wrong, I love having a computer, too. However, I'm discovering that it's not convenient enough because it's a desktop and, therefore, not mobile (i.e., able to move around). It might be a little easier if I had a laptop that I could take with me, and I haven't had a chance (or the money) to use a tablet, but having everything available to me on a device that I can put into my pocket: that's efficiency to me.

I can't believe how much it's really bothering me. There are moments when I want to cry out of frustration, literally cry. Of all the things that being poor has deprived us of, I think this is affecting me more than almost anything else. Weird, isn't it? Even now, my leg is bouncing enthusiastically with too much nervous energy and because my anxiety is going up just writing about this. I think the only thing I can say now is, "Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

Church Talk today

Okay, today is the day that I speak in church. I can't tell you how nervous I am. I haven't spoken in church in over 9 years. There's always a part of me that feels that what I have to say isn't good enough. Of course, that's just my emotions taking control. My emotions feel a lot of things that my head says isn't true. It can get pretty confusing in my head sometimes. I'll just post it and leave it for you to decide. I hope you enjoy and get something useful from what I have to say.

As I started to research the Beatitudes, I realized that this is a subject that I've thought of a number of times without knowing it. Our world is becoming more and more selfish and too many people are thinking only of themselves. People tend to look down on the sick, the depressed, the poor, the meek, and those who try to live righteous lives. Sadly, they also look down on those who try to help others: the merciful, the peacemakers, the pure in heart. Even more sadly: I've seen it personally from friends and family, all members of this church; and I'm sure I've been guilty occasionally. It has become a bad thing to be overly-religious. We are expected to welcome sin with open arms; in fact, using the word “sin” is another reason others ridicule the righteous. As a result, it makes it so much harder to live righteously.

Matthew 5: 1-12 says:

And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
 10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Matthew 5: 16 tells us:

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Our actions in this world should be about glorifying our Father in Heaven and our Lord Jesus Christ. This idea of being a light in a world of darkness was taught by Christ again when he visited the people of America. In 3 Nephi 12: 14-16, we read:

 14 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I give unto you to be the light of this people. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
 15 Behold, do men light a candle and put it under a bushel? Nay, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light to all that are in the house;
 16 Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven.


In Matthew 5: 43-48 we read:

 43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

In the 1987 Ensign, Elder Robert E. Wells of the Quorum of the Seventy said:

It is inevitable that members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints find themselves looked upon with suspicion by many today. The prophets have said that in the last days persecution will come again. . . . The Beatitudes give us the formula for coming unto Christ. We can use them as a foundation as we seek for a Christ-centered life.

Going back to the first scriptures that I read, Matthew 5: 1-12, “Blessed are the poor in spirit . . . Blessed are they that mourn . . . Blessed are the meek . . . Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness . . . Blessed are the merciful . . . Blessed are the pure in heart . . . Blessed are the peacemakers . . . Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake.” Christ says it right there: “Blessed.” We will be blessed for living as Christ.


As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we need to follow the teachings of Christ more than ever before. We need to be a shining light in this world of darkness, an example of what it means to be Christian. We need to learn to be tolerant of others, without accepting the sins of the world. As the saying goes: “Love the sinner, not the sin.” Don't give in to persecution by accepting the things we know are wrong, but don't turn your back on others, either; and certainly don't look down on those who aren't living the way we know to be right. Be a peacemaker, seek after righteousness, comfort those who mourn and are poor in spirit, and stand up for our beliefs, and we will be blessed.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Wow!

Again, Wow! It has been a LONG time since I wrote on our blog. I've been thinking that I might try to take it up again. Ha, ha, how long do you think that will last?

I have had a lot of negative comments on Facebook for sharing how I'm feeling. As I've thought about it, I realized that I've got another way to share my feelings with those I love, and they can choose to read it or not. So, I'm going to try to take up my blog again.

Tomorrow I have a talk in church. I will get the talk posted here tomorrow evening sometime.