Saturday, February 20, 2016

Social Anxiety over laundry?

I just discovered that I have severe anxiety regarding doing laundry anywhere but home. We now have enough people living in our building that it's tough to get time to do laundry with only 1 washer and 1 dryer for about 13 people (btw, it's only a 6-bedroom apartment building). It also doesn't help that quite often the others start laundry and then leave, actually leave home. This means that the laundry can sit forever before they return to finish. This is the situation today. I have 4 loads of laundry to do but can't because both the washer and dryer are full and no one is home in the building but us. There is always the option of the laundromat (which of course is twice as expensive) and I have several people who have offered in the past to let me do laundry at their homes. Both of these options have left me in a panic. I am forced to realize that the idea of going to someone's home to do laundry makes me feel obligated to socialize, something I'm not comfortable with in normal situations, let alone that I'm now in someone else's home using their resources, for hours at a time. The laundromat freaks me out because, unlike stores or crowded places, people aren't necessarily minding their own business, doing what they need to do, and getting out. They have time to watch me and possibly criticize. I know, logically, that they might not be; and even if they are, it doesn't really matter. It's hard to ignore the thoughts in my head that say otherwise, though.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

What is my worth?

This is my favorite picture of Christ, Simon
Dewey's: Abide With Me. It feels like he is
looking right into my soul, but his arms are
still open, waiting to embrace me.
I've been doing a lot of praying and soul-searching lately. I've come to realize that I have issues of faith, although not issues with the Lord, Heavenly Father, the Gospel, or anything else church-related. I have issues with me.

Over the years of my adulthood, with a lot of help from family, friends, therapists, my dear sweet husband, and so many others, I've gained a lot of self-confidence back that I lost as a child. It hasn't been an easy task.

Although I've now been an adult longer than I've been a child, I realize how much our childhood affects our adulthood. When others say that our years as children and young adults are impressionable, I have found that it's more true than most of us realize. After being told for most of my childhood and youth by several of my peers that I was worthless (not in so many words, but actions and intent), I grew up believing it. It's harder to re-learn how we think about ourselves once we become adults. The negative thoughts and beliefs become so ingrained in us that it becomes who we are, no longer just thoughts.

I do believe now that I have some worth, and my current work at the LDS Employment Center helps every day. It really does do so much more for us when we serve others than when we do things for ourselves. However, as I struggle to look for work (because my time at the Employment Center is temporary), I find myself asking the same questions I asked as a youth. "If I'm so good, why don't they want me?" "Is there something about me that keeps people from wanting me (to work for them, to be their friend, etc.)?" I'm constantly told that I'm friendly, nice, dependable, efficient, capable, etc. So then, my question is "Why?"

I've been told so many times that the Lord has something in store for me, a great job meant just for me. When I hear that, I try to believe it, but I can't. This is what I've come to realize. It's not that I don't believe the Lord could help me, but that I don't think that I deserve it. Why not, you ask? The answer is that I don't know. I have been so confused about my worth for such a long time. I never could understand why I was picked on by many of my peers, but told by others what a great person I was. I am a practical, logical person (for the most part) and nothing about it has made sense to me. That's where my emotions have taken over and the emotional logic in my head now says that it must be that there is something wrong with me that I can't see that no one will tell me about.

I am a good person. I'm loving and kind, nice, loyal, dependable, organized, a great worker, a hard worker; but as I say these things, that inner voice starts listing all of my faults and saying that it's not enough to be these good things. I know I've come a long way, because when I graduated from high school, I couldn't even say these things about myself, let alone believe it if I did say it. After all of these years, even with all of the help I've been given, I can't seem to change the thought that I'm not good enough.

I continue to try. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, as do so many others in my life. My goal now is to try to learn how to have faith in myself. If I seem to be negative or complain sometimes, it's usually because I'm tired of the fight in my own head and the negative thoughts take over. However, I am still trying. Please be patient with me. All of you who love and support me, thank you. Please continue to do so.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Prayer Circle: Facebook Page

I don't know about anyone else, but I've gotten tired of going on Facebook and asking for prayers in difficult times and having comments made about not sharing my troubles on FB, or seeing the same on others' posts.
I received some inspiration today while viewing a meme that said something similar to, "I don't do my laundry at your house, don't air your dirty laundry on my page." I also saw another post that said, "What better use of Facebook than to pray for each other? Share if you agree."
I went online to see if there was a website that offered people of any faith the opportunity to ask for prayers safely, without discrimination, but had a tough time finding anything. There might be something out there, but if so, it's not easy to find.
That cinched it. I wanted to offer people the chance to post their requests for prayers in a safe, non-denominational, non-discriminatory place, and others could reply and offer their prayers. So what did I do? I started a Facebook page: The Prayer Circle,

Please take the time to share my page with all of your friends and family. Let them know that there is somewhere that they can go to ask for spiritual help when times are tough. Whether you believe in God, Allah, Elohim, Bhagavan, or any other deity, you are welcome to ask for help from anyone who views my page.