I want to share another moment with you in my recovery to what I call "Normal Thinking." (I know there's no such thing as normal, but it's how I see it.)
This afternoon, I was in a Leadership Training meeting at the D.I. The topic that was being discussed was Counsels and one of the points that was brought up was that we need to build trusting relationships with our teams. I felt compelled to speak out about a subject that I would normally never share with people who are not close to me. I will paraphrase it for you.
I have social anxiety. Many of you know about it. I HATE social situations. Along with the anxiety, I also get paranoia. That paranoia comes usually in the form of being sure that people are judging what I do and say. I feel that speaking out in public, if I haven't had time to prepare what I'm going to say, will result in people thinking that I am stupid, or that I say stupid things. I tend to sit in meetings and classes and not speak out. On the flip side, though, I also try not to let people know how I'm feeling so I try to be outgoing and friendly to people. It's tough to balance sometimes. Usually one or the other wins out, but I rarely let people see the real me in public or social situations. When I do speak out, it's usually only when I feel that what I have to say is "safe" from judgement.
As a result of my anxiety, church has not been a pleasant place for me since childhood. I won't discuss why I developed my anxiety at church, as the reasons don't really matter to anyone but myself. I always believed in the Church, but as time went on, and my anxiety increased, I became inactive. Church was supposed to be about feeling peace, but I never did. I have now found a Ward, however, that has helped me to change that. I finally found a Ward that I call my family. Instead of sitting quietly in the back of the meetings, I actually speak out in Sunday School and join in the discussions. I still feel very uncomfortable about going to Relief Society, but for now that isn't an issue because I'm working in the Library during that hour. Maybe someday that will change.
As I was relating this story, the Job Coach who was giving the class, asked me how my current Ward built that trust. My answer: they never pestered me about not going to church, but still made me feel welcome. Instead of asking why I wasn't there and making me feel more uncomfortable, they asked if I was okay. They made me feel like they cared about how I was feeling, not just pointing out that I wasn't there.
The point to my story was that we need to build trust with others by letting them know that we care about them. Trust is very important part of our world. It opens so many doors. We never really know how much we are helping or hurting others by the way that we treat them. Building trust with others can open doors for ourselves, but sometimes also for others.
By the end of my story, I was in full-blown panic mode. I was shaking like crazy, I was dehydrated, practically hyperventilating, and ready to cry. I wanted to run out of that room so fast. I was fighting back the words in my head that were saying that I was stupid to share that with others, that they would judge me now that they know I'm so flawed. I felt so sick, so panicked, so scared, but I didn't leave. I still have those words in the back of my head as I write this, but I am proud of myself for taking such a risk, and I'm proud that I am sharing this with you now. I think that I will have to fight this for the rest of my life, but perhaps one day I will be able to squash those words as soon as they come to my mind. Thank you for listening to me.
