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| This is my favorite picture of Christ, Simon Dewey's: Abide With Me. It feels like he is looking right into my soul, but his arms are still open, waiting to embrace me. |
Over the years of my adulthood, with a lot of help from family, friends, therapists, my dear sweet husband, and so many others, I've gained a lot of self-confidence back that I lost as a child. It hasn't been an easy task.
Although I've now been an adult longer than I've been a child, I realize how much our childhood affects our adulthood. When others say that our years as children and young adults are impressionable, I have found that it's more true than most of us realize. After being told for most of my childhood and youth by several of my peers that I was worthless (not in so many words, but actions and intent), I grew up believing it. It's harder to re-learn how we think about ourselves once we become adults. The negative thoughts and beliefs become so ingrained in us that it becomes who we are, no longer just thoughts.
I do believe now that I have some worth, and my current work at the LDS Employment Center helps every day. It really does do so much more for us when we serve others than when we do things for ourselves. However, as I struggle to look for work (because my time at the Employment Center is temporary), I find myself asking the same questions I asked as a youth. "If I'm so good, why don't they want me?" "Is there something about me that keeps people from wanting me (to work for them, to be their friend, etc.)?" I'm constantly told that I'm friendly, nice, dependable, efficient, capable, etc. So then, my question is "Why?"
I've been told so many times that the Lord has something in store for me, a great job meant just for me. When I hear that, I try to believe it, but I can't. This is what I've come to realize. It's not that I don't believe the Lord could help me, but that I don't think that I deserve it. Why not, you ask? The answer is that I don't know. I have been so confused about my worth for such a long time. I never could understand why I was picked on by many of my peers, but told by others what a great person I was. I am a practical, logical person (for the most part) and nothing about it has made sense to me. That's where my emotions have taken over and the emotional logic in my head now says that it must be that there is something wrong with me that I can't see that no one will tell me about.
I am a good person. I'm loving and kind, nice, loyal, dependable, organized, a great worker, a hard worker; but as I say these things, that inner voice starts listing all of my faults and saying that it's not enough to be these good things. I know I've come a long way, because when I graduated from high school, I couldn't even say these things about myself, let alone believe it if I did say it. After all of these years, even with all of the help I've been given, I can't seem to change the thought that I'm not good enough.
I continue to try. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, as do so many others in my life. My goal now is to try to learn how to have faith in myself. If I seem to be negative or complain sometimes, it's usually because I'm tired of the fight in my own head and the negative thoughts take over. However, I am still trying. Please be patient with me. All of you who love and support me, thank you. Please continue to do so.
