What is my worth?

This is my favorite picture of Christ, Simon
Dewey's: Abide With Me. It feels like he is
looking right into my soul, but his arms are
still open, waiting to embrace me.

I've been doing a lot of praying and soul-searching lately. I've come to realize that I have issues of faith, although not issues with the Lord, Heavenly Father, the Gospel, or anything else church-related. I have issues with me.

Over the years of my adulthood, with a lot of help from family, friends, therapists, my dear sweet husband, and so many others, I've gained a lot of self-confidence back that I lost as a child. It hasn't been an easy task.

Although I've now been an adult longer than I've been a child, I realize how much our childhood affects our adulthood. When others say that our years as children and young adults are impressionable, I have found that it's more true than most of us realize. After being told for most of my childhood and youth by several of my peers that I was worthless (not in so many words, but actions and intent), I grew up believing it. It's harder to re-learn how we think about ourselves once we become adults. The negative thoughts and beliefs become so ingrained in us that it becomes who we are, no longer just thoughts.

I do believe now that I have some worth, and my current work at the LDS Employment Center helps every day. It really does do so much more for us when we serve others than when we do things for ourselves. However, as I struggle to look for work (because my time at the Employment Center is temporary), I find myself asking the same questions I asked as a youth. "If I'm so good, why don't they want me?" "Is there something about me that keeps people from wanting me (to work for them, to be their friend, etc.)?" I'm constantly told that I'm friendly, nice, dependable, efficient, capable, etc. So then, my question is "Why?"

I've been told so many times that the Lord has something in store for me, a great job meant just for me. When I hear that, I try to believe it, but I can't. This is what I've come to realize. It's not that I don't believe the Lord could help me, but that I don't think that I deserve it. Why not, you ask? The answer is that I don't know. I have been so confused about my worth for such a long time. I never could understand why I was picked on by many of my peers, but told by others what a great person I was. I am a practical, logical person (for the most part) and nothing about it has made sense to me. That's where my emotions have taken over and the emotional logic in my head now says that it must be that there is something wrong with me that I can't see that no one will tell me about.

I am a good person. I'm loving and kind, nice, loyal, dependable, organized, a great worker, a hard worker; but as I say these things, that inner voice starts listing all of my faults and saying that it's not enough to be these good things. I know I've come a long way, because when I graduated from high school, I couldn't even say these things about myself, let alone believe it if I did say it. After all of these years, even with all of the help I've been given, I can't seem to change the thought that I'm not good enough.

I continue to try. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, as do so many others in my life. My goal now is to try to learn how to have faith in myself. If I seem to be negative or complain sometimes, it's usually because I'm tired of the fight in my own head and the negative thoughts take over. However, I am still trying. Please be patient with me. All of you who love and support me, thank you. Please continue to do so.

The Prayer Circle: Facebook Page

I don't know about anyone else, but I've gotten tired of going on Facebook and asking for prayers in difficult times and having comments made about not sharing my troubles on FB, or seeing the same on others' posts.
I received some inspiration today while viewing a meme that said something similar to, "I don't do my laundry at your house, don't air your dirty laundry on my page." I also saw another post that said, "What better use of Facebook than to pray for each other? Share if you agree."
I went online to see if there was a website that offered people of any faith the opportunity to ask for prayers safely, without discrimination, but had a tough time finding anything. There might be something out there, but if so, it's not easy to find.
That cinched it. I wanted to offer people the chance to post their requests for prayers in a safe, non-denominational, non-discriminatory place, and others could reply and offer their prayers. So what did I do? I started a Facebook page: The Prayer Circle, https://www.facebook.com/yourprayershelp.

Please take the time to share my page with all of your friends and family. Let them know that there is somewhere that they can go to ask for spiritual help when times are tough. Whether you believe in God, Allah, Elohim, Bhagavan, or any other deity, you are welcome to ask for help from anyone who views my page.

Another "Proud of myself" moment

I want to share another moment with you in my recovery to what I call "Normal Thinking." (I know there's no such thing as normal, but it's how I see it.)

This afternoon, I was in a Leadership Training meeting at the D.I. The topic that was being discussed was Counsels and one of the points that was brought up was that we need to build trusting relationships with our teams. I felt compelled to speak out about a subject that I would normally never share with people who are not close to me. I will paraphrase it for you.

I have social anxiety. Many of you know about it. I HATE social situations. Along with the anxiety, I also get paranoia. That paranoia comes usually in the form of being sure that people are judging what I do and say. I feel that speaking out in public, if I haven't had time to prepare what I'm going to say, will result in people thinking that I am stupid, or that I say stupid things. I tend to sit in meetings and classes and not speak out. On the flip side, though, I also try not to let people know how I'm feeling so I try to be outgoing and friendly to people. It's tough to balance sometimes. Usually one or the other wins out, but I rarely let people see the real me in public or social situations. When I do speak out, it's usually only when I feel that what I have to say is "safe" from judgement.

As a result of my anxiety, church has not been a pleasant place for me since childhood. I won't discuss why I developed my anxiety at church, as the reasons don't really matter to anyone but myself. I always believed in the Church, but as time went on, and my anxiety increased, I became inactive. Church was supposed to be about feeling peace, but I never did. I have now found a Ward, however, that has helped me to change that. I finally found a Ward that I call my family. Instead of sitting quietly in the back of the meetings, I actually speak out in Sunday School and join in the discussions. I still feel very uncomfortable about going to Relief Society, but for now that isn't an issue because I'm working in the Library during that hour. Maybe someday that will change.

 As I was relating this story, the Job Coach who was giving the class, asked me how my current Ward built that trust. My answer: they never pestered me about not going to church, but still made me feel welcome. Instead of asking why I wasn't there and making me feel more uncomfortable, they asked if I was okay. They made me feel like they cared about how I was feeling, not just pointing out that I wasn't there.

The point to my story was that we need to build trust with others by letting them know that we care about them. Trust is very important part of our world. It opens so many doors. We never really know how much we are helping or hurting others by the way that we treat them. Building trust with others can open doors for ourselves, but sometimes also for others.

By the end of my story, I was in full-blown panic mode. I was shaking like crazy, I was dehydrated, practically hyperventilating, and ready to cry. I wanted to run out of that room so fast. I was fighting back the words in my head that were saying that I was stupid to share that with others, that they would judge me now that they know I'm so flawed. I felt so sick, so panicked, so scared, but I didn't leave. I still have those words in the back of my head as I write this, but I am proud of myself for taking such a risk, and I'm proud that I am sharing this with you now. I think that I will have to fight this for the rest of my life, but perhaps one day I will be able to squash those words as soon as they come to my mind. Thank you for listening to me.