Social Anxiety over laundry?

I just discovered that I have severe anxiety regarding doing laundry anywhere but home. We now have enough people living in our building that it's tough to get time to do laundry with only 1 washer and 1 dryer for about 13 people (btw, it's only a 6-bedroom apartment building). It also doesn't help that quite often the others start laundry and then leave, actually leave home. This means that the laundry can sit forever before they return to finish. This is the situation today. I have 4 loads of laundry to do but can't because both the washer and dryer are full and no one is home in the building but us. There is always the option of the laundromat (which of course is twice as expensive) and I have several people who have offered in the past to let me do laundry at their homes. Both of these options have left me in a panic. I am forced to realize that the idea of going to someone's home to do laundry makes me feel obligated to socialize, something I'm not comfortable with in normal situations, let alone that I'm now in someone else's home using their resources, for hours at a time. The laundromat freaks me out because, unlike stores or crowded places, people aren't necessarily minding their own business, doing what they need to do, and getting out. They have time to watch me and possibly criticize. I know, logically, that they might not be; and even if they are, it doesn't really matter. It's hard to ignore the thoughts in my head that say otherwise, though.

What is my worth?

This is my favorite picture of Christ, Simon
Dewey's: Abide With Me. It feels like he is
looking right into my soul, but his arms are
still open, waiting to embrace me.

I've been doing a lot of praying and soul-searching lately. I've come to realize that I have issues of faith, although not issues with the Lord, Heavenly Father, the Gospel, or anything else church-related. I have issues with me.

Over the years of my adulthood, with a lot of help from family, friends, therapists, my dear sweet husband, and so many others, I've gained a lot of self-confidence back that I lost as a child. It hasn't been an easy task.

Although I've now been an adult longer than I've been a child, I realize how much our childhood affects our adulthood. When others say that our years as children and young adults are impressionable, I have found that it's more true than most of us realize. After being told for most of my childhood and youth by several of my peers that I was worthless (not in so many words, but actions and intent), I grew up believing it. It's harder to re-learn how we think about ourselves once we become adults. The negative thoughts and beliefs become so ingrained in us that it becomes who we are, no longer just thoughts.

I do believe now that I have some worth, and my current work at the LDS Employment Center helps every day. It really does do so much more for us when we serve others than when we do things for ourselves. However, as I struggle to look for work (because my time at the Employment Center is temporary), I find myself asking the same questions I asked as a youth. "If I'm so good, why don't they want me?" "Is there something about me that keeps people from wanting me (to work for them, to be their friend, etc.)?" I'm constantly told that I'm friendly, nice, dependable, efficient, capable, etc. So then, my question is "Why?"

I've been told so many times that the Lord has something in store for me, a great job meant just for me. When I hear that, I try to believe it, but I can't. This is what I've come to realize. It's not that I don't believe the Lord could help me, but that I don't think that I deserve it. Why not, you ask? The answer is that I don't know. I have been so confused about my worth for such a long time. I never could understand why I was picked on by many of my peers, but told by others what a great person I was. I am a practical, logical person (for the most part) and nothing about it has made sense to me. That's where my emotions have taken over and the emotional logic in my head now says that it must be that there is something wrong with me that I can't see that no one will tell me about.

I am a good person. I'm loving and kind, nice, loyal, dependable, organized, a great worker, a hard worker; but as I say these things, that inner voice starts listing all of my faults and saying that it's not enough to be these good things. I know I've come a long way, because when I graduated from high school, I couldn't even say these things about myself, let alone believe it if I did say it. After all of these years, even with all of the help I've been given, I can't seem to change the thought that I'm not good enough.

I continue to try. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, as do so many others in my life. My goal now is to try to learn how to have faith in myself. If I seem to be negative or complain sometimes, it's usually because I'm tired of the fight in my own head and the negative thoughts take over. However, I am still trying. Please be patient with me. All of you who love and support me, thank you. Please continue to do so.

The Prayer Circle: Facebook Page

I don't know about anyone else, but I've gotten tired of going on Facebook and asking for prayers in difficult times and having comments made about not sharing my troubles on FB, or seeing the same on others' posts.
I received some inspiration today while viewing a meme that said something similar to, "I don't do my laundry at your house, don't air your dirty laundry on my page." I also saw another post that said, "What better use of Facebook than to pray for each other? Share if you agree."
I went online to see if there was a website that offered people of any faith the opportunity to ask for prayers safely, without discrimination, but had a tough time finding anything. There might be something out there, but if so, it's not easy to find.
That cinched it. I wanted to offer people the chance to post their requests for prayers in a safe, non-denominational, non-discriminatory place, and others could reply and offer their prayers. So what did I do? I started a Facebook page: The Prayer Circle, https://www.facebook.com/yourprayershelp.

Please take the time to share my page with all of your friends and family. Let them know that there is somewhere that they can go to ask for spiritual help when times are tough. Whether you believe in God, Allah, Elohim, Bhagavan, or any other deity, you are welcome to ask for help from anyone who views my page.

Another "Proud of myself" moment

I want to share another moment with you in my recovery to what I call "Normal Thinking." (I know there's no such thing as normal, but it's how I see it.)

This afternoon, I was in a Leadership Training meeting at the D.I. The topic that was being discussed was Counsels and one of the points that was brought up was that we need to build trusting relationships with our teams. I felt compelled to speak out about a subject that I would normally never share with people who are not close to me. I will paraphrase it for you.

I have social anxiety. Many of you know about it. I HATE social situations. Along with the anxiety, I also get paranoia. That paranoia comes usually in the form of being sure that people are judging what I do and say. I feel that speaking out in public, if I haven't had time to prepare what I'm going to say, will result in people thinking that I am stupid, or that I say stupid things. I tend to sit in meetings and classes and not speak out. On the flip side, though, I also try not to let people know how I'm feeling so I try to be outgoing and friendly to people. It's tough to balance sometimes. Usually one or the other wins out, but I rarely let people see the real me in public or social situations. When I do speak out, it's usually only when I feel that what I have to say is "safe" from judgement.

As a result of my anxiety, church has not been a pleasant place for me since childhood. I won't discuss why I developed my anxiety at church, as the reasons don't really matter to anyone but myself. I always believed in the Church, but as time went on, and my anxiety increased, I became inactive. Church was supposed to be about feeling peace, but I never did. I have now found a Ward, however, that has helped me to change that. I finally found a Ward that I call my family. Instead of sitting quietly in the back of the meetings, I actually speak out in Sunday School and join in the discussions. I still feel very uncomfortable about going to Relief Society, but for now that isn't an issue because I'm working in the Library during that hour. Maybe someday that will change.

 As I was relating this story, the Job Coach who was giving the class, asked me how my current Ward built that trust. My answer: they never pestered me about not going to church, but still made me feel welcome. Instead of asking why I wasn't there and making me feel more uncomfortable, they asked if I was okay. They made me feel like they cared about how I was feeling, not just pointing out that I wasn't there.

The point to my story was that we need to build trust with others by letting them know that we care about them. Trust is very important part of our world. It opens so many doors. We never really know how much we are helping or hurting others by the way that we treat them. Building trust with others can open doors for ourselves, but sometimes also for others.

By the end of my story, I was in full-blown panic mode. I was shaking like crazy, I was dehydrated, practically hyperventilating, and ready to cry. I wanted to run out of that room so fast. I was fighting back the words in my head that were saying that I was stupid to share that with others, that they would judge me now that they know I'm so flawed. I felt so sick, so panicked, so scared, but I didn't leave. I still have those words in the back of my head as I write this, but I am proud of myself for taking such a risk, and I'm proud that I am sharing this with you now. I think that I will have to fight this for the rest of my life, but perhaps one day I will be able to squash those words as soon as they come to my mind. Thank you for listening to me.

Thanks, Mom & Dad Tyler

I want to put out a Thank You to Mom & Dad Tyler. They have done so much for us over the years & I hope they know how much we really appreciate them. The latest: mom gave me a tablet she has had laying in a drawer at home. It might not seem like much to some, but it has reconnected me to my life (see previous blog: Smartphone Withdrawal). Mom & dad are such generous people (I won't embarrass them by naming other ways they've helped) & I want everyone to know it. We love you, mom & dad!

D.I. partnership interview tomorrow

Yesterday I was asked if I would be interested in a temporary partnership with an accounting firm in Smithfield. The job would basically be a Receptionist job. For those of you who don't know, the D.I. helps employees get experience through what they call partnerships: Employers call the D.I. and say that they need help with a certain job (sometimes it can lead to permanent employment, mostly not) and the D.I. recommends employees who need experience with said jobs. 

If I were to get this partnership, I would still officially be working for the D.I., but working at this accounting firm. It's a part-time job that would only last until the end of tax season, but would give me the official experience that I've not had. It would certainly look a lot better on my resume since the only job I've had that was similar was titled Customer Service Rep. All the other office-related jobs have been telephone or data entry jobs, or non-related with some experience using office skills.

Here comes the kicker: I have to interview for it tomorrow, and the other employee the D.I. recommended has been going to school in accounting! Talk about pressure! I know that I have a little bit of an edge because I have some experience and will be training in this area of work (i.e. Receptionist/Office Worker), but he has the edge because of his knowledge and training in accounting. Truth be told, I'm getting more and more nervous.

I know that I don't really have to be that nervous. I'm still working at the D.I., they're still going to help me get schooling in Office Administration Support, and my future doesn't hang on this job. However, I can't stop the anxiety. Right now, I wish I had some Kava Kava, lol.

Smartphone withdrawal

Now that it's gone, I am finding out just how much I used my smartphone. I'm going through withdrawal. So much of my nervous energy has returned. I can't seem to find enough things to do with my hands. I'm already tired of watching Netflix, reading, and crocheting. What did I used to do with my time to keep myself occupied?

I'm realizing how much my smartphone satisfied my OCD: everything is organized, easy to access, and can be found in a small little electronic device. I could read from my smartphone, look up phone numbers, watch videos, play games, make notes/reminders, have an alarm for anything I needed to remember (and my memory can be so bad that I had a lot of alarms, not just for waking up), keep track of my bills and finances, & so much more. I've started having more anxiety when I need to check my calendar, or use a calculator, or look up information of any kind, etc.

I've been a tech-enthusiast for awhile now. I wouldn't say a tech junkie, as I'm not obsessed with technology, but I have loved the convenience, simplicity, and efficiency of technology for a long time. I even used to have a PDA because of how convenient and efficient it was. Don't get me wrong, I love having a computer, too. However, I'm discovering that it's not convenient enough because it's a desktop and, therefore, not mobile (i.e., able to move around). It might be a little easier if I had a laptop that I could take with me, and I haven't had a chance (or the money) to use a tablet, but having everything available to me on a device that I can put into my pocket: that's efficiency to me.

I can't believe how much it's really bothering me. There are moments when I want to cry out of frustration, literally cry. Of all the things that being poor has deprived us of, I think this is affecting me more than almost anything else. Weird, isn't it? Even now, my leg is bouncing enthusiastically with too much nervous energy and because my anxiety is going up just writing about this. I think the only thing I can say now is, "Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

Church Talk today

Okay, today is the day that I speak in church. I can't tell you how nervous I am. I haven't spoken in church in over 9 years. There's always a part of me that feels that what I have to say isn't good enough. Of course, that's just my emotions taking control. My emotions feel a lot of things that my head says isn't true. It can get pretty confusing in my head sometimes. I'll just post it and leave it for you to decide. I hope you enjoy and get something useful from what I have to say.

As I started to research the Beatitudes, I realized that this is a subject that I've thought of a number of times without knowing it. Our world is becoming more and more selfish and too many people are thinking only of themselves. People tend to look down on the sick, the depressed, the poor, the meek, and those who try to live righteous lives. Sadly, they also look down on those who try to help others: the merciful, the peacemakers, the pure in heart. Even more sadly: I've seen it personally from friends and family, all members of this church; and I'm sure I've been guilty occasionally. It has become a bad thing to be overly-religious. We are expected to welcome sin with open arms; in fact, using the word “sin” is another reason others ridicule the righteous. As a result, it makes it so much harder to live righteously.

Matthew 5: 1-12 says:

2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

 5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

 6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

 7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

 8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

 9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

 10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Matthew 5: 16 tells us:

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Our actions in this world should be about glorifying our Father in Heaven and our Lord Jesus Christ. This idea of being a light in a world of darkness was taught by Christ again when he visited the people of America. In 3 Nephi 12: 14-16, we read:

 14 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I give unto you to be the light of this people. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.

 15 Behold, do men light a candle and put it under a bushel? Nay, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light to all that are in the house;

 16 Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

In Matthew 5: 43-48 we read:

 43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

In the 1987 Ensign, Elder Robert E. Wells of the Quorum of the Seventy said:

It is inevitable that members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints find themselves looked upon with suspicion by many today. The prophets have said that in the last days persecution will come again. . . . The Beatitudes give us the formula for coming unto Christ. We can use them as a foundation as we seek for a Christ-centered life.

Going back to the first scriptures that I read, Matthew 5: 1-12, “Blessed are the poor in spirit . . . Blessed are they that mourn . . . Blessed are the meek . . . Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness . . . Blessed are the merciful . . . Blessed are the pure in heart . . . Blessed are the peacemakers . . . Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake.” Christ says it right there: “Blessed.” We will be blessed for living as Christ.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we need to follow the teachings of Christ more than ever before. We need to be a shining light in this world of darkness, an example of what it means to be Christian. We need to learn to be tolerant of others, without accepting the sins of the world. As the saying goes: “Love the sinner, not the sin.” Don't give in to persecution by accepting the things we know are wrong, but don't turn your back on others, either; and certainly don't look down on those who aren't living the way we know to be right. Be a peacemaker, seek after righteousness, comfort those who mourn and are poor in spirit, and stand up for our beliefs, and we will be blessed.

Wow!

Again, Wow! It has been a LONG time since I wrote on our blog. I've been thinking that I might try to take it up again. Ha, ha, how long do you think that will last?

I have had a lot of negative comments on Facebook for sharing how I'm feeling. As I've thought about it, I realized that I've got another way to share my feelings with those I love, and they can choose to read it or not. So, I'm going to try to take up my blog again.

Tomorrow I have a talk in church. I will get the talk posted here tomorrow evening sometime.

Grateful

I think I got tired of writing posts about the same things all the time, but I guess I need to write an update.

Lee & I were speaking this morning about trying to be more positive. It's a bit harder right now so I'm going to try to come up w/ 5 things every day to be grateful for. I think I'll list mine for today:
1. I am so very grateful for my husband, Lee. He's been so supportive in the last several weeks. Every day I find myself loving him even more. I am so glad that we are together & can support each other. It's so much easier to go through trials w/ him by my side.
2. I am grateful for the family & friends that we have. We have felt such support & love from them. Just knowing they are praying for us gives me strength. I want all of you to know I pray for you, too.
3. I am grateful for the jobs we do have. Between us right now we have just over 40 hours/week. That's more than so many others in the world; & even more than some of my own family members. It could be worse.
4. I am thankful for the home that we have (still really love the apartment), the heat in this cold time of year, & the food we have. I'm even grateful that we live in a town w/ free transit to get around town since we don't have money for gas. Besides, right now I don't have a lot else to do w/ my time, lol.
5. And I am so very grateful for my Father in Heaven & brother Jesus. I know that even though He hasn't yet answered my prayers for a new job, He has answered so many others right now that are keeping us going.

There's not much else to say today other than a quick job update. I have now applied for over 30 jobs w/ no answer to most of them. I am not being selective of what jobs I apply for, & looking all over the Valley & even over the mountain into Box Elder County. I guess there are just too many other people looking for work, as well.

Cross your fingers, and pray!!!!

This morning I got a phone call while I was at work. Normally I wouldn't answer my phone, but I kind of felt like I needed to. It was ICON Health & Fitness asking me to go in for an interview. I have filled out so many applications and submitted so many resumes that I don't really remember which position is for which employer. For some reason. I was thinking that this was for Office Secretary.

I looked it up after work and discovered that it was actually for an Administrative Assistant. I have just been applying everywhere that I seemed remotely qualified for so when I applied at ICON, I didn't really think it would go anywhere. I was quite surprised to get the call.

I went to the interview this afternoon. I still felt like I wouldn't really get the job, and wasn't sure I wanted to, so I wasn't as nervous as I was at my last interview. It definitely helped me be more relaxed. I'll have to keep that in mind. Maybe if I go into future interviews thinking it'll be great to get the job, but not expecting as much, I can handle them better.

Anyway, today I think I did pretty well. There is only one position, and I got the impression that they have a lot of people to interview, so my odds are slim; but I think the interview went well. As she described the duties of the job, I started to get more and more excited. I had a teacher I once worked for tell me that I should be an Assistant. She said that my skills in organization were perfect for the job, and the fact that I always kept her prepared, and kept ahead of the things she needed, were great skills to be an Assistant. I've never considered it until now.

This job would beworking for a Sales Manager who works with other company's (such as Sears, sports stores, etc) corporate offices with people who are called "Buyers." They are the ones who buy the sports equipment in bulk to ship to their stores. I would be in charge of communication through telephone, email and mail with the Buyer's Assistants getting things set up for meetings and such. I would keep track of the Manager's schedule, as well as planning meetings, trips, etc. Occasionally I would make travel arrangements, but quite often would make arrangements for the Buyers who come to Logan; things like accomodations, meals, snacks, etc.

This sounds so exciting to me; a little challenging, hard sometimes, and a little scary. I'm not sure what my chances are, but I might keep hoping for this one.

Update

Today was the last day of the "week" in which I was told that I would hear about the job I interviewed for. I don't know how I feel about it.  A part of me never did think I would get the job. I wanted to believe that it was just my own low self-esteem that wouldn't let me be more positive. I know that it's still possible. Even though they said a week, it was Thanksgiving last week, which could have put them behind. However, I heard the girl that was being replaced talking to someone while I waited for my interview; and she was talking about moving on to a better position. She told this person that they were currently interviewing for her replacement, then she would move on. The impression she gave was that they wanted to find someone quickly. I think that's part of why I don't think I got the job.

I have applied to 4 more jobs since my last entry. At this point, I don't think we can afford to pay rent and utilities, gasoline, our meds, and still be able to afford to eat. Let alone the internet to keep looking for jobs and our cell-phones to get phone calls about jobs.

I'm not trying to complain, but I want to give a full accounting of what it's like looking for employment in today's economy. I know that a lot of the people who read this have been in my situation before so they can understand, but I still feel like I need to share my experiences. That includes how I think and feel about what is going on.

It's scary to think that you could lose your home. My family went through it several times when I was a child so I know my parents understand, as well as a few others I personally know. This is the first time in my adulthood that things have been this rough.

I've always been able to find some kind of employment when it was really necessary. However, it hasn't always been the best kind of work. I've spent a lot of time working at dead-end jobs, or minimum wage jobs. At this time, I feel like I may have to settle for what I can get. That thought depresses me, though. Am I always going to be stuck working such jobs? Why is it that necessity never lets me have the jobs I want? The kind of jobs I could make a career, not just a job?

We were told growing up that if we get an education we can find better employment. I even remember being told that I could find better jobs with some college education, even if I didn't graduate. Today that isn't really true. I have 4.5 years of college, and an Associates Degree, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Employers want specific degrees or experience. As I'm sure a lot of you understand, that leaves most of us stuck.

I want to be able to take this opportunity that has happened to me and finally get a good job. Right now, however, it looks like it's time for me to apply at Wal-Mart, fast food places, or even the gas station down the street which is currently hiring.

At this time, it's hard to be positive.

Job Update

It's getting kind of late so right now I'll just give a quick update on the job search.

I have submitted my resume for 5 different jobs, most of them for an office-type position. I have taken one Assessment Test and have a job interview set up for tomorrow morning (this job would be perfect, btw). I also got an e-mail response to another resume asking me to answer a few more questions because, "I have cut down the amount of applicants significantly just based on the résumé’s alone so I congratulate you on having a well written résumé." It's not as good, but could be a good start, and get an official office job on my resume.

That's about it on the job hunt.

There is one more thing to say. Last Friday I got a phone call from one of my 3 guys. It made me cry. I miss them so much. Today I went to visit them. Again, it made me cry; but it was so good to see them.

Poetry

So today I was talking with Lee about how he wants to know how to work on his writing skills. I told him that it's all about just writing, even if you have a block. I told him that I have started writing this blog again as a way to write, even though I've been blocked for a long time. It got me thinking that some of you may not know that I was a poet. So, I will now practice writing while giving a little bit of my background.

Just before I entered Jr. High I spent a few weeks in the summer with my grandparents. I found a book of poetry and enjoyed reading it. It was simple poetry, easy for all to read and enjoy. Like most of us, I had thought poetry was boring and hard to understand, but these poems made sense. I thought to myself, "I can write like this." So for the rest of the summer, I practiced making simple rhymes. Most of the time they were silly and a little childish; but hey, I was just barely 12.

Over the next 2 years, I made up silly rhymes, but didn't really save any of them. I remember showing some of them to my mom and she thought that I had some talent; I think that's what kept me trying. When I entered 8th Grade, the school yearbook put out a competition for students to write a paragraph about the science classes and teachers. I decided to enter a silly poem. I didn't really think that I would win, so I was quite surprised when I did! My first published poem was in the San Rafael Jr. High 1989 Yearbook!

The next year I started learning a lot more about poetry and working more on my own. One day I wrote a great poem called "The Seasons Change". If I recall correctly, during the spring or summer of 1990 I found a poetry contest advertised in a magazine. My mom encouraged me to try to write something to submit and "The Seasons Change" was what I came up with. It was still pretty simple, but I had decided that I liked doing simple. I remembered how I felt when I read that book of poetry that was simple enough for me to read and understand when I was 12.

Once again, I didn't expect to win anything, so I was quite surprised when I got a certificate in the mail saying I had won an Honorable Mention! Not only that, but not long after, I received a packet in the mail saying that I had won what they called a "Golden Poet" award and that I was invited to a convention in Las Vegas to accept my award!

I won't go into my trip to Vegas right now. I'll leave that for another time. Needless to say, it really got things going for me. In school, I worked hard to learn new writing tips and techniques, and entered a few more contests. (I won another Honorable Mention and Golden Poet award for poetry, and placed in a school essay contest.) In the meantime, I wrote a lot of bad poetry.

Don't get me wrong, some of it was good. However, I was a teenager, going through normal teenager emotions, and my poems tended to reflect that. There were a lot of really sappy love poems about different guys that I liked. Still, it was writing, and it was practice. I'm kind of glad now that I didn't keep all of those poems.

As I became an adult, life intruded upon my poetry. In some ways it made it better; however, it also interfered with my writing. I started having more and more mental blocks, and more and more time went between poems. I'm sure that stress has had a lot to do with my blocks. It's so much harder to think clearly when life has you stressed out.

In college, I took a poetry class in the hopes that I could release some of that block. I did manage to come up with some decent poems for the class; but assigned poetry just didn't have the same meaning to me as what I had done before. Basically, it didn't really work to get rid of the block.

Over the years since then, I've written some very good poems. However, I can count them on my one hand.  It has been about 15 years since I've been able to write poetry regularly. Every so often, I really miss writing; now is one of those times.

I think that I'll look up some of my old poetry and post it one of these days. Hopefully it will help to inspire me.

Job Hunt Update

Just checking in with a simple update for the job hunt.

I put in an application at Lowe's and w/in a day I was told they were "going to go another direction." Oh well. If they don't want me, that's their loss.

I have been checking daily on several websites for new job postings, including Workforce Services, LDS Employment, & USU off campus job board. So far I haven't come across anything I qualify for.

We had several people suggest Conservice as a good place to work, so I looked up their Job Board and submitted a resume for 2 positions. Today I go in for an Assessment Test for the Office Manager position.

This job would be great. It's full time, M-F 8-5, $10/hr starting, w/ full benefits. I would be able to use my people skills, my organization skills, etc. I would have to quit the job @ the school and that does make me sad, but sometimes we have to make sacrifices.

I know that I would do very well as a Receptionist/Secretary, personal or office assistant, or other office-type job. I've tried over and over throughout the years and haven't been able to get anything.  I know I can do this job, I just hope that they feel the same way.

Lost my job

I thought that writing in this blog @ this time might be good for me for a number of reasons. First, I could work out my thoughts and emotions regarding the loss of my primary job. Second, it would be good practice for my keyboarding skills. Finally, it would be a good way to get back into the habit of writing again.

Now, about losing my job. I really don't want to go into a lot of detail about the reason for losing my job. After all, this is not a private blog. (If anyone wants details, I can tell you more in person.) Let's just say that it was a mistake that could have been bad, but thankfully wasn't. Unfortunately, it fell under company policy that I lose my job because of it.

For those of you who don't know or need a reminder, I work quite a lot with children and adults with disabilities.  The job that I currently still have is working w/ the Special Ed. class at the local Middle School.  The job that I just lost was working with adults w/ disabilities in their homes; sort of like a caregiver.  It's a little difficult for me to avoid forming attachments with the people that I work with. I am especially close with 3 guys that I used to be a Resident Manager for.

One of the things that keeps haunting me is how lucky I got that the mistake wasn't worse than it was.  I'm not really concerned about how it affected me, but how it would have affected one of my clients.  On the other hand, I am very grateful that it wasn't worse.  Still, it would be nice if I could stop obsessing over it.

One of the other things that is really bothering me is the feeling that I abandoned my 3 guys.  I keep thinking of all of the things that I used to do for them and now I'm not there to do it.  I am well aware that anyone is replaceable, and that they will find someone else to do the work I did, but I still wonder if they're getting the care they need.  I know that's silly.  They've had other staff in the past, and will have more in the future.  I think the best way to describe it is to say that in a small way, they are like my children and I feel like I abandoned them to someone else's care.

Finally, on a very selfish level, I feel like I let down my husband. While he is training for better employment, I was the primary bread-winner.  The job I just lost took away almost half of our income.  Of course, I still have my other job; but I am only allowed to work 3.5 hours/day due to budgetary issues w/ the School District.  That's less than 20 hours/week.  That doesn't really pay a lot.  It also doesn't help that it only pays once a month.

Right now I'm not really feeling very upbeat.  It's hard to be motivated enough to do the things that have to be done.  On the flip side, keeping busy with housework and filling out applications has at least kept my mind busy.  That won't really last long, unfortunately.

I want to end today with an update on the job search:
     Yesterday I filled out an application for Sam's Club.  Today I have filled out an application for Lowe's as a Cashier, and finished updating my information on Workforce Services, and LDS Employment.

Wish me luck!

Broken Hand

On August 23rd, the second day of school, I was watching a young 6th grader who is known for running away. I had hold of his hand at one point, but he pulled his hand away from mine and dashed for the door of the classroom. I chased after him and as I was going out the door I punched the metal door frame. There's only been 1 time in my life when I felt pain worse than that.

     At first I thought I had just jammed my knuckle; that's a little how it felt, just a little bit more intense. However the pain was enough that I was almost in shock. I vaguely remember the teacher following behind me and stopping the student as he was running away. I was just sort of frozen to the spot, cradling my hand to my chest. The teacher had me take my hand and go run it under cold water, then another teacher came by and offered to let me use her ice pack.

     After about 5 to 10 minutes, I realized that my hand was not getting any better. The second teacher that I had spoken with made arrangements with the teacher I work for to get me up to the office so that I could look into going to WorkMed. By then the shock was wearing off and I was starting to cry from the pain. I couldn't stop myself.

     I got a ride to WorkMed from the school officer. I joked around with him about getting a police escort to the doctor.

     At WorkMed, the doctor ordered an x-ray. The technician who took the x-ray told me that it was very definitely broken. He said that normally he wouldn't make that decision himself, but he was amazed at how obvious the break was.

     The doctor splinted my hand and I've been going back every 2 weeks to get x-rays. It has been nearly 2 months now. It took awhile for my hand to heal.

     The anti-inflammatory medication that they put me on caused my hands and feet to swell over the first weekend. When I spoke with the doctor the following Monday he suggested that it was possibly an allergic reaction. Once I went off the medication most of the extremities went back to their normal sizes. However, my left foot has been swelling for the last 2 months. I saw both my normal doctor and my WorkMed doctor about it. Both seemed to think that it was a result of another injury done to the top of my foot when I hurt my hand. X-rays were done and it was revealed that there was no break to the foot. The swelling on my foot is only now going back down. They never did find out for sure what was wrong with it.

     Today I went back to WorkMed for a follow up. As of now, I am able to take the splint off when I am NOT working so that I can begin to stretch out the muscles which have been locked in place for 2 months. However, I still need to use the splint while I am working and am limited with what I am allowed to do. Still, it's a start. I will return next Wednesday to see how my hand is doing and determine whether or not I will need physical therapy.

School's out for summer!

I'm feeling kind of sad right now. The last day of school was on May 31st.  We had a "Graduation" for those who were moving on to the High School. It was so special. I'm so glad that I got to work with them these last few months. I'm also grateful that I get to go back this fall.
In the meantime, I'm going to miss everyone. So, I wanted to show some of the pics from the Graduation. One of our students got an awesome gift from the teacher & I'll leave the narration off here.  I'll let you enjoy the surprise @ the end.

New job = more stress? Maybe.

I started a second job on the 13th of February. I know, I know: as stressful as my life is w/ my other job, you may ask why I'd get another. Well, the simple answer is: for me. I'll explain:

I've wanted to be a Teacher for most of my life. Mom says that as a small child we would play "school" & I was always the teacher. I love teaching! Being able to pass on the knowledge I've collected over the years, help children work toward becoming better people through that knowledge, is so rewarding. One of the best feelings I've ever had has been watching someone understand & learn something new. In my opinion, our lives are more enriched w/ everything we learn, regardless of whether we learn in school or not. Our lives are full of learning & I am proud to be able to help w/that.

Sorry for getting a little side-tracked, but I'll keep it in the blog because it helps explain who I am.

To get back on track: last month I was shopping @ Wal-Mart & ran into my former Supervisor from when I was a teacher aide @ Mt. Logan Middle School many years ago. She asked if I was still working w/the school district & I told her I did last school year, but didn't get hired back this year. She is now the Director for Special Education w/the district & she told me they had @ least 5 openings & if I applied again I could probably get hired on.

Probably wasn't even the right word: she pretty much got me the job. I got a call from the Special Ed teacher @ Mt Logan who told me that Marci had recommended me for the job & she "wasn't exactly going to tell her (she didn't) like her friend." Still, I know Marci & she wouldn't have recommended me if I wasn't qualified.

So, I am now a Teacher's Aide @ Mt. Logan for 3 1/2 hours every weekday! It does add more stress (I'm now working 50-60 hours a week) but it's time doing something I love, I can turn off my work phone & have a break from NES, & the pay is helping to get us caught up financially (Lee's also increasing his hours every 2 weeks @ the D.I.) so it's also helping w/the stress.

Hopefully I've explained what the title means. We'll have to wait & see what it all means in the end, but that's where we are today!

FYI: the pic is of my "battle scars" from one of my students. . . it's a good thing I love my job! :-)

Long Time! :-)

Holy cow, it's been more than a year since I posted last! That's a lot of catching up I have to do. I think I'll be as brief as I can. Not a lot to say anyway, haha.

Lee stayed @ NES until May. I was very proud of him. Working w/People w/ Disabilities is not easy to do, & he was working w/ physically behavioral clients. He then started working for the D.I. in July. He's been there for 6 months and is doing well.

I'm still working for NES & was promoted in May to Resident Manager. My life pretty much revolves around my guys @ work. I'm pretty much On-Call 24/7. I love the guys, but if anything happens in my life, it involves them; even holidays. I haven't seen a lot of my family in over a year, & even more in 2 or more years. I miss them all so much.

As for health, we've had ups & downs. We had our own miracle: a few months ago we had Lee tested again & he came back negative for blood clots on both the blood test & ultrasound! He's still on Coumadin & still has his own physical & emotional problems to overcome, but is working hard to get better.

As for me, my depression, asthma, & acid reflux all kept getting worse as time went on & my stress kept increasing. Thanks to my Bishop, I started getting counseling, but it actually increased my stress because I was beginning to face my problems instead of ignoring them. By December things came to a dangerous head & I took a chance, made payment arrangements for bills, & went to the doctor for myself. I'm now on my own meds & our medication payment each month is enormous, but it had to be done.

Finally, Lee & I have started a new exercise routine which is beginning to show results, so we're keeping our fingers crossed!